Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
