the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Drake has all the answers
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Randomize
