just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
