I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
