I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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