ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
