I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
