I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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