were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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