I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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