Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Randomize
