Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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