Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I touched a dick in church today
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
