you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
