I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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