I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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