I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
