i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
