i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
