I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
