So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
