she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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