my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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