oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Randomize
