Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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