So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
