There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
