Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
