I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
