Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
