Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Randomize
