come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
you traded sex for a burrito?
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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