my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
