I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
