Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
