The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Randomize
