So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Vodka?
Forever.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
