i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
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He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
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My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
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