I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
