I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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