im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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