Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Randomize
