Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
