I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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