if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
