he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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