I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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