you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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