Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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