I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
whose ass print is on the piano?
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Randomize
