we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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