My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
not ubering you a puppy
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Randomize
