did you get engaged???
i think i have two assholes
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Randomize
