Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
