just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
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Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
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Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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