Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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