she was so not down for the gang bang
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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