Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Randomize
