my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Randomize
